A boyfriend walks in to an Ulta store…

“Hello. Can I help you?”

“Yes. I’m looking for a gift for my girlfriend. She just got a promotion at work.”

“That’s great. So what does she like?”


“What’s her style? Is she the kind of girl that would use Zombie Attack 72-hour Blush Varnish or more like Queen Mab of The Fae Midsummer’s Kiss Cheek Dusting?”

“I don’t, I don’t really know. … She does seem to spend a lot of time on her hair.”

“Great! Does she use a spray, gel, mousse, lotion, goo, wax, demulcent, oil, or taffy?”


“Yes. Totally Terrif Texturizing Taffy.”

“I think it’s something … chocolatey?”

“That would be our Hair Fudge. It volumizes without clumpifying. It’s best combined with the Hair Caramel which sheenifies.”

“I, uh. I don’t know if she’d like that. I think she’d already have it if she wanted it.”

“Okaaay. Well, how about a starter make-up kit? It includes a lip gloss, a lip color, a lip polish, a lip wax, a lip paint and a lip shine plus a sampler of our No Way Blase! Face Spackle which comes in 5 different skin tones, including Minnesota Winter Tanning Bed Tan and Vaguely Ethnic But Still Totally Funky.”

“That sounds good. Although…”

“We also have a lovely selection of Oh My Gosh Gourmet shower gels on sale right now. You can’t go wrong with flavors like Mint Mango Surge or Sad Wedding Buttercream Frosting. Plus if you buy 17, you get two and a half free! And an enviro-friendly tote bag.”

“Seventeen is kind of a lot.”

“Uh-huh. How about nail polish? We just got in our new Arabian Nights assortment. And I have to tell you that The Dusk Falls on The Rose Bushes in the Courtyard of The Sultan’s Harem Where No One Sheds a Tear for The Death of His Favorite Concubine Matisa Whose Body Lays in State in The Throne Room While The Sultan, Garbed in the Robes of a Lowly Fig Merchant, Stalks The Silent Streets of Istanbul Trying to Feel Something, Anything at the Death of his Beloved is totally going to be all the rage. We’ll probably sell out of it tomorrow.”

“So a gift card, then?”

“Uh, yeah. That’ll work.”

3 thoughts on “A boyfriend walks in to an Ulta store…”

  1. Ha! The funny thing is that this is similar to how I feel walking into a beauty supply store. I probably shouldn’t admit that–but seriously, how ever does anyone keep track of all those products? I loved the Vaguely Ethnic face Spackle and the Sultan nail polish. You could probably actually pitch some of these product ideas (especially the hair taffy and hair fudge) to a beauty product company, and they’d like it.

  2. I’ll get right on that. Step one: figure out what color that actually is.

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